btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
