I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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