did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
