i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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