last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
