I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
