went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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