can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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