I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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