i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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