sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
