Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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