This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
