Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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