I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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