You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
