all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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