you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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