Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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