my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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