Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
