This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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