A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
