operation have a gay friend backfired
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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