apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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