You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you had me at cake vodka
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
