Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
