yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
