She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
