he told me I talked like a deaf person
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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