I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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