Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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