Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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