She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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