Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
