Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
