What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
