the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
