are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
