i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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