When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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