just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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