if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
its not stalking. its research.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Randomize
