nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm always down for nudity.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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