Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
