The maid of honor just puked.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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