Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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