Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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