How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
