I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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