After last night, I could never be a politician.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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