Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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