We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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