my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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