She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
