I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
