haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i think i have two assholes
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
