What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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