I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
