i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You made out with two different species that night
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
